Friday, September 14, 2012

Kai Update (And No Sleep)

After not getting a whole lot of sleep last night, I've now been up for a couple of hours.  I figured I'd better post about Kai's vet visit while I was still coherent.

The vet is relatively sure that the lump is a harmless cyst, but we're having a biopsy performed nonetheless.  I'm not entirely happy about this, as it involves putting him under, but I need it for peace of mind right now.  On the bright side, we're by necessity being forced to delay the procedure (due to stitches and vacation plans) long enough to see if it will shrink and disappear by itself, in which case we won't need said procedure.

Keeping my fingers crossed for that!

Thursday, September 13, 2012


I've felt totally uninspired lately.  Even my pagan blog stuff has left me blank.  Luckily, last night the universe and my own subconscious conspired to give me something interesting about which to write.

Sometime around 3:30 this morning I had one of my infamous laughing mental breakdowns, therefore ensuring neither DH or I got any appreciable amount of sleep whatsoever.  What happens is I find something totally boring and mundane just hilarious.  Maybe it's funny in some dark and twisted way.  Or maybe it just causes that extra little bit of stress that sends me over the edge.  Either way, I start laughing.  And keep laughing.  I literally can't stop.  I eventually start to cry as well, but I don't stop laughing.  Oh, no.  I'm told by those who have observed it that the laughter is tinged with hysteria, and that the episodes are pretty darn frightening to watch.

These breakdowns have only happened a handful of times in my life, but they're pretty memorable.   They only occur when I've been under large amounts of stress for extended periods, and I guess I just hadn't realized just how stressed I've been.  Maybe that's why I've been so unable to be creative in any way. 

After I finally stopped laugh/crying, after I don't know how much time, I started thinking about what's stressing me out.  I came up with a short but distressing list, and I thought I'd share.

  1. The sale of the house a few months ago.  And maybe the stress of NOT selling it the three years before that.
  2. The moves, both the one out of that house and especially the one to Texas in a month or two. (And do I count leaving Canada, which I desperately do NOT want to do, here or as a separate entry?)
  3. The vacation coming up (in a good way) and all the prep and planning and stuff to do before then.
  4. The trouble shipping some art stuff to my mom.  (Loooong story.)
  5. The upcoming citizenship stuff--waiting (and waiting and waiting) for Immigration Canada to move forward with it, waiting to take the test, finding all the old paperwork again, etc.
  6. REALLY disliking the house we're temporarily renting while trying to be glad we have it (after the two we wanted to rent fell through.)
  7. Slowly saying goodbye to all our friends here in Ontario.
  8. Absolute lack of creativity.
And, on top of all that, yesterday we discovered some kind of lump on Kai's shoulder.  (Don't worry.  He's going to the vet in an hour.)

I'd already started trying to make myself journal again, due to some depression issues.  Now I need to push harder and get back into meditation and exercise before I start having anxiety attacks (which trnaslate as crying and pain in my chest) again.

Surprisingly, writing this post has actually made me feel better.